


Days That End in an I

by emmaliza



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi Junior High
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e10 Censored, Implied/Referenced Depression, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, Sexual Confusion, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26211400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmaliza/pseuds/emmaliza
Summary: Joey has pictures of naked women in his locker. L.D has pictures of naked men in her locker. And Wheels is just fine.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Days That End in an I

This is all L.D's fault.

Wheels isn't _looking_. Well, okay, he is, but only because she insists on showing them – he's staring in disgust and annoyance, same as Joey and Snake, that's totally normal. Alexa and L.D keep fawning over the pictures, but that's all for show, right? Girls don't actually _like_ guys like that, all rippling muscles, tight buttocks, bodies tanned and oiled within an inch of their lives...

It's a relief when they walk away, Wheels adjusting his jeans subtly while they others aren't looking. He must be putting on weight, they're tighter than he remembers. Joey swings open his locker, and Wheels idly steals a glance inside. Alright, maybe he doesn't get as enthusiastic about these pictures as Snake and Joey do, but that's a good thing, right? No-one wants things getting out of hand at school. It's not like he dislikes looking at them. They're all pretty, that's why they put them in the paper.

Out of the corner of his eye he spies Alexa, still staring at the pictures shamelessly, until L.D calls her back. _See, I knew she wasn't really into them._ “I don't believe this,” Joey announces to no-one in particular. No, Wheels doesn't believe it either.

* * *

“What about her?”

Wheels follows Joey's finger toward the girl in the magazine – Kyrsti, another contributor toward his I-theory – a brunette with long dark curls bouncing around the breasts encased in her red leotard. “She's fine.” At Joey's skeptical look, he shrugs. “What, she's hot. What do you want me to say?”

To their left, Snake snorts. “Well you're clearly dripping with enthusiasm,” he drawls. Wheels is tempted to throw the magazine in his face, to ask him what he means by that, but he's not sure he wants to know the answer.

“C'mon Wheels, you never tell us anything about the girls you like.” Joey throws an arm around him, and Wheels jumps. He's tempted to push him off, but he's weirdly afraid it would look suspicious. “I had to pry all the details about Steph out of you. At least tell us which of these you like best!”

He scans down the page, selecting the woman he's sure is, objectively, the hottest. “Her,” he says, pointing at a beach blonde with the biggest boobs on the page. Lindy, another one for the theory.

“You have such boring taste, Wheels,” Snake laughs at him. Wheels shrugs Joey off to turn and glare at him. “I swear you never like any girl unless you're convinced all the other guys like her too.”

Wheels' jaw drops open. For a second, he doesn't know how to respond. “Well at least I don't like some twelve year old who looks like a boy!”

“Hey, don't talk about Melanie like that!” Snake grabs a pillow to throw at him, and Wheels throws it back, incensed.

Things are just about to get out of hand when Joey intervenes. “Guys, guys!” He steals the pillow straight from Snake's hand. “This is what chicks do at sleepovers, remember?” Wheels swallows hard. He can remember listening to Joey's drooling fantasies about what girls might do alone together at sleepovers many times – he never quite saw the appeal, but he didn't want to mention. He meets Snake's eyes for a second, then looks away in a hurry. What he and Snake were doing was nothing like _that_. “Anyway, I'm gonna get more chips. You two try not to kill each other. And Wheels?” he gets to his feet, but stops at the doorway. “Don't go thinking you're not good enough for these chicks because of L.D's stupid pictures. I mean, I bet she doesn't even like those guys! You've met her, I bet she's a total lez. That's the real reason she doesn't like our photos, they make her worry about herself.”

Then Joey walks out, leaving Wheels reeling. He's sure that was meant to be reassuring, but for some reason it sinks under his skin and leaves him feeling a little queasy. _That's the real reason she doesn't like our photos, they make her worry about herself..._

“Wheels? Are you okay?”

He turns to see Snake staring at him with concern, any hint of anger having quickly disappeared. “Yeah,” he insists, not sounding all that convincing. Snake doesn't look convinced. “It's just I didn't know people took photos like that of guys,” he says, the sight of toned muscles, curved pectorals, bulging speedos apparently burned into his memory. He feels flushed. “I mean, do girls really go for that sort of thing?”

Snake shrugs, but after a second, he gets a conspiratorial look on his face. “You know, I'm not sure all those shots are really meant for girls,” he says, and Wheels just blinks in confusion. _What?_ “Listen, one time I heard my brother talking about it. You know those fitness and health magazines? They're meant to be for exercise or whatever, but actually they're for... you know.”

“No?”

Snake rolls his eyes. “ _Homos_ , Wheels.” And Wheels recoils. The word sounds so weird coming from Snake, who's usually so sensitive, so polite. “I mean, it stands to reason, right? They've got to look at something. Freaks.”

Wheels can't say anything. He can't. Thankfully, Joey comes back in then, chips in hand. “Hey man, you've taken my spot!” he says and shoves Snake out, and Wheels watches them wrassle for a bit, mind racing at a million miles an hour.

* * *

He knows he's being stupid. He's not gay. He can't be gay. Right?

Wheels sighs into his pillow. It's almost two AM, and he still can't sleep. Why is he still worried about this? It's not as if he's never wondered before. After that time he and Steph were going to do it, before her mom caught them – even when he was humiliated, trapped on the Kayes' couch having her tear into him for daring to think about laying a hand on her precious daughter, he couldn't help but he relieved. That he didn't _actually_ have to do anything. The guys all wanted him to go all the way with Stephanie, so they could live vicariously through him, and Wheels didn't want to disappoint them – but whenever he thought about actually touching her, he just felt cold.

But he was only thirteen, and it's normal not to be ready for sex at thirteen, right? He's sure Shane wishes he was less ready. Spike too. Still, thinking of Steph makes him feel uneasy. He said yes whenever she asked him anywhere – every guy in the school wanted her, so it'd be weird if he didn't too, right? And yet, he never took the initiative to ask her out instead. And after their second date, he was so terrified he rejected her entirely. Really, it was a relief when she started crushing on Simon instead of him.

He _did_ get jealous that time she was all over Joey, but he wonders who he was really–

No, he's not even going to think that.

Wheels groans and forces a pillow over his head. This is stupid. He has nothing to be worried about. He just needs to get some sleep.

* * *

_It's too hot here. Wheels is on a beach somewhere, sunlight soaking through his pale skin. “Shh, relax.” There's someone behind him. Tony, twenty-one, tall and dark with thighs as thick as Wheels' torso, one of which he is awkwardly straddling. Hands run up and down his forearms gently, and he shivers. “You don't need to worry. We're all here for you...”_

_They're not alone. In front of him dozens of men walk around, all oiled, muscled and wearing little more than underwear, and none of them showing the least bit of embarrassment. Lips press against the back of his neck. “Come now, you don't have to be afraid anymore...”_

* * *

Wheels wakes gasping for air. That – that wasn't anything. A weird dream, that's all. He's had dreams like that before, but according to Dr. Sally, everyone does. He'd be weirder if he _didn't_ dream about other guys occasionally, really.

He throws himself into the shower, hissing at the cold water hitting his skin, before he can head to school. He's going to be just fine.

* * *

He spends most of first period drilling holes into the back of L.D's head with his eyes. If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't be worried about this. Not right now, anyway. Who does she think she is? Clearly, she's a total lesbian.

It would make sense if L.D was gay, right? She _acts_ like she's gay, she likes all the things gay women like, cars and softball. But him, he can't be gay, he doesn't act anything like a gay man – he likes cars too; cars, hockey, guitars. He likes everything straight guys like.

( _Except naked women,_ whispers a voice at the bad of his head.)

Glaring at L.D gets much harder when Doris comes in, summoning her off to the principal's office. Wheels frowns. Joey's already been sent off, but still, what's L.D done? She never gets in trouble.

He asks Snake about it after class. “Apparently, she told Mr. Lawrence about the pictures Joey had in his locker. So he told him about the pictures she had in her locker. Now they're _both_ in trouble.” Snake rolls his eyes as if he didn't like looking at Joey's pictures as much as anyone, and Wheels feels strangely annoyed for reasons he can't quite articulate.

Still, then someone comes up to him to give him the article about Spike getting kicked out of school, and that's pretty distracting.

* * *

“Hey Steph?”

When she looks up at him it's like she's a million miles away, and resents him for dragging her back to earth. “What, Wheels?” she spits, every word dripping with contempt. He flinches. Alright, maybe he deserves that after how coldly he turned her down, but it's more than that – Steph has been acting weird for weeks, not dressing in her old clothes, not paying attention in class, that sort of thing. To tell the truth Wheels is worried about her, although he's not sure what he's worried about.

He hesitates. What does he want, exactly? “It's just... I wanted to ask you...” He used to like her, didn't he? Even if she doesn't dress _like that_ anymore she's still very pretty. What is the matter with him? “Would you like to go out with me this weekend?” he blurts out before he can't make himself not.

Stephanie stares up at him. While he waits for an answer Wheels can't help but think _please, don't say yes._

“I can't.” She averts her eyes, and hence doesn't notice him sigh with relief. “I have to see my counsellor. I'm sorry.”

“That's okay.” He didn't know Stephanie had a counsellor, but he can't bring himself to care – he's just glad she said no, and then he feels guilty for being glad. _What, don't you want to go out with her?_ “So, uh, I'll see you around?”

“Sure,” she mutters miserably, and Wheels flinches. So, that cleared up nothing.

* * *

It's Friday afternoon and Raditch has asked him to deliver some forms to the office. No big deal. Wheels will just get this over with and then he can go home, forget about all the nonsense of this week. Doris isn't there, so he leaves the paperwork on her desk, assuming she'll get it in the end. He's about to walk out when he notices – The wastepaper basket.

It's full of bright, shiny images. Photographs. L.D and Joey's photographs, presumably, but it's L.D's photos that are on top and – from between the crumpled paper Wheels sees a man grinning at him. _Tony, twenty-one, tall dark and handsome._ He's as nude in there as he was in L.D's locker, and looking at him Wheels wants, he just wants–

“Derek?”

He jumps a mile when Doris sneaks up on him. “Doris! Ah, Mr. Raditch asked me to drop some forms off to you.”

She nods along, resuming her usual place behind the desk, but apparently she notices him turning red as a tomato because she frowns and asks: “Is everything alright, Derek?”

“What? Oh, yeah.” Wheels has never been more embarrassed in his life. “Just eager to get home. Bye!”

* * *

Clearly, this is all Joey's fault. How is he meant to enjoy those photos if he never sees anything other than girls in their bathing suits? He could see all that on Baywatch. Clearly, he's got to up the ante a little.

He's shaking when he stands in line at the newsagents. He was sure the fact he had to stand on his toes to reach the top shelf would be a dead giveaway, but no-one seemed to care very much, truth be told. If Joey knew what he was doing, buying actual, for real pornography without him, he would never forgive him. But Wheels can't bear to have him here. He can't bear to have _anyone_ here.

When he hands over his magazine he's sure the checkout chick is going to ask him for ID. He won't be able to provide any, and so then she'll call the cops. Maybe that would be for the best? Sure, his parents will be furious, but if he gets caught buying porn they can't possibly think–

But the girl, barely any older than he is, just waves his purchase through the scanner. “Have a nice day,” she mutters without a drop of sincerity.

Wheels takes his magazine to the park. He's not going to bring it back home, what would his parents think? His fingers shake as he tears off the wrapping. This is going to work out, this is going to do it for him, this will be–

Nothing.

He opens the pages, one after another, and yet he feels... nothing. Of course, there's something there: naked women, breasts, vagina and all, and yet he doesn't feel a thing looking at them. It's like looking at raw meat.

“Dammit!” In frustration, he tears out the centerfold, lets the beautiful brunette fall to the ground, grinning up at him all the while. “What is wrong with me?!”

While he fights the urge to burst into tears, footsteps rapidly come into earshot. “Son? Are you alright?”

He looks up to see a woman standing in front of him – a woman with close cropped hair and a leather jacket thicker than he is. _Clearly, a total dyke._ “Yeah,” he says, and he thrusts the magazine toward her like a weapon. “Here. Take this. You'll get more from it than I will.”

* * *

When he arrives home he rests against the door, taking a moment to get his breath back. He's _not_ going to burst into tears. He's not. He just needs a minute–

“Derek! You're late!”

His mother's voice rings through him like a bell. “Coming mom!” he replies automatically, without thinking about the nervous sweat that has sunk through his shirt. “Just – give me a minute to go get changed, okay? I promise I'll be down to dinner soon.”

Wheels rushes up stairs, tearing his clothes from his body as fast as he can. He doesn't want to look at his own naked flesh, that will just make him think of–

“Derek?” Dad walks in just as he's buttoning up his new shirt. Wheels looks up in alarm. “Your mother and I were very worried about you. I hope you have a good explanation for this?”

He hesitates. “...Not really.” He can't tell his parents what he was doing, can he? If he did, they might ask why. And then what would he say?

Dad frowns at him, but Wheels can see the concern underneath the anger – he really was worried, wasn't he? “It's not Mike, is it? He hasn't been back in contact with you?”

Wheels wants to laugh. “No. No, it wasn't Mike.” He hasn't seen Mike since last term. Part of him wonders, did Mike know? Did he see something in Wheels that told him he wasn't worth keeping, that he was– no, no he's being stupid. How could Mike know if he didn't know himself?

“Then what's wrong, son?”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. He wants to tell his dad _nothing, I'm fine,_ and yet from between his lips slips: “Dad, I think I'm... I mean I might be...”

He stumbles on the word. He can't say it, he just can't. Slowly, he peaks from between his tear-stained eyelashes, to see Dad staring at him. He still looks concerned, yes. But he also looks – afraid, almost angry. He doesn't want this. After everything he and Mom went through to get him, the heartbreak of realising they couldn't have a child of their own, they don't want him to be anything less than perfect. They don't want to deal with this.

Wheels gulps. “Nothing. I'm fine.”

Dad should keep asking questions, he should pry it out of him, but instead he just nods. “Alright. We'll talk over dinner.” He leaves, and Wheels lets out a deep breath. That should be a relief.

* * *

“Hey Wheels, my man!”

Joey is as Joey as ever on Monday morning, skateboard coming to a stop so he can wrap his arm around Wheels' shoulders. “Hi Joey,” he says as casually as possible, pretending this much physical contact doesn't make him uncomfortable. “So uh, how was your weekend?”

“Fine,” Joey grumbles, not sounding at all like he means it. “My parents were real mad at me for having those girls in my locker. My mom told me off for how sexist I was being, can you believe that?”

Wheels chuckles to himself. Yeah, he can believe that. “So, how was detention? You know, with...” With impeccable timing L.D comes cycling into view, as unconcerned with traditional feminine beauty standards as ever. Wheels watches her park her bike, and Joey follows his eyeline.

“Oh, not too bad,” he says, drawing Wheels' attention back to him. “You know, I don't think she's gay after all. We got talking, and uh, Wheels? I think she kind of likes you.”

He stops. _Oh no._ Okay, if L.D likes him, that's fine – looks-wise, she's not all that much, as mean as that sounds; no-one will think anything if he doesn't like her back. No-one will think anything and yet...

“Wheels?” Joey sounds concerned as Wheels turns his back on him. “You okay, man?”

“Joey, I'm...”

_I'm gay._

The thought hits him like a tidal wave, too strong and too pure to be denied anymore. He is gay. He hates it, but it's true.

But he can't tell Joey that, can he? “I'm fine,” he says, and Joey grins, clearly taking his word for it. “Come on, we'll be late for class.” Joey follows him inside the school doors, and as they walk, he watches L.D disappear among the crowd, as if this is all her fault.


End file.
